Trying His Best to Get Through

Another day in the hospital.  Another day of learning to let God be God.  Another day being cooped up in a tiny room.  Another sleepless night.

Sigh.

As you can expect, Bob is weary of his surroundings.  He didn’t sleep well last night, but has actually taken a few catnaps in his chair.  He even laid in his bed & took about 1/2 an hour nap!  We’re telling him that sleep may be hard to achieve at night, so take it whenever you can get it throughout the day.  He knows that sleeping won’t be a problem at home, which makes him want to get out of here even more!

Dr. Mirro visited him today to report that his heart is having episodes of atrial fibrillation, especially at night.  He has tried several medications to get the “electrical circuitry” of his heart functioning properly, but he believes he will eventually exhaust the medicinal options available & will put in a pacemaker.  We (his daughters) just want them to put the thing in!  But our father wishes to allow Dr. Mirro to do what he deems is best.  So, there’s nothing for us to do but wait.

Dr. Sowden rounded later in the day & had come to a decision about the PleurX chest tubes.  Bob only had 80 cc of fluid drain overnight, but so far during the day as he was more active, he had an output of over 300 cc, which is WAY above what he should be expelling.  Because of this, Dr. Sowden plans to put the PleurX tubes in, maybe tomorrow (Wednesday).  He will have to undergo general anesthetic again, which will mean his eye will be unable to focus again for a while.  Dr. Sowden shared his opinion about the pacemaker - he believes it is inevitable.  However, he’s the “contractor” & Dr. Mirro is the “electrician” of the building that is Bob’s body, so Dr. Sowden officially defers to Dr. Mirro about the pacemaker.  We all wish we could find the “plumber” of Bob’s body so we could get to the bottom of why he has the fluid retention in the first place.  We keep being told that we may never know.

He had a nice day with his sisters, Betty, Sandi & Kim, Kim’s son Taylor, Bob & me.  There were several visitors throughout the day, which really lifted his spirits.  He especially enjoyed his visit from Phil Chapman & Marc Davidson.  He has a kindred spirit with them & was very touched by their time in prayer.

Things to pray for are that he will have a spirit of peace & tranquility come over him, that his vision will clear so that he can read again & that his body will heal according to God’s timetable. 

Those who have visited, thank you!  You are what he looks forward to every day.  Those who are hesitant to visit, come on up.  Bob gains strength from positive, discussion & encouragement from people.  We only ask that you be brief in your visits so that he is able to get appropriate rest.

Several of you have contacted Kim Culbertson, Bob’s sister, about providing food when he gets home.  Thank you so much for your kindness!  If you haven’t contacted Kim about preparing meals for Bob when he’s home & you want to minister to him in this way, you can reach Kim at 260-925-3213 or email her at luvruby007@gmail.com.

God is working in Bob’s life right now to prepare him for all of the ways He wants to use him in the future.  God isn’t finished with Bob yet!

“Answer me when I call, O God of my righteousness!  You have relieved me in my distress; be gracious to me and hear my prayer.  But know that the Lord has set apart the godly man for Himself; the Lord hears when I call to Him.  Tremble, and do not sin; meditate in your heart upon your bed, and be still.  Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, and trust in the Lord.”

Psalm 4:1,2,4,5

A long, frustrating day

Catnapping in the Lobby

It’s been a really discouraging day for Bob.  He’s one week post surgery & he’s still hospitalized, which is not how he envisioned his recovery to go.  Contrary to what he was told on Saturday, he did not have a pacemaker implanted today.  The doctor who is rounding for Dr. Sowden this work is Dr. Mirro.  Dr. Mirro decided to wait to go to a pacemaker because he wants to let the heart adapt to the new pig valve that was installed & hopes that things will work themselves out. 

Another reason why he is still hospitalized is that he is draining way too much fluid every day.  Today he drained over 300 cc of fluid in an 8 hour period.  That is the amount of fluid he gave out right after the surgery last Monday!  As of now, there is no doctor who is willing or knowledgeable enough to investigate & discover why Bob is creating so much excess fluid.  There is some cause!  But no one wants to try to find out what the cause is.  This frustrates us all tremendously!

He was prescribed Coreg, which is a beta blocker.  He has been very withdrawn & sullen, which is so unlike him.  He still isn’t sleeping well, so he catnaps while he sits up in his chair.  We are hoping that he will finally sleep better tonight.  He has a fan, which helps provide white noise to drown out the racket in the hallway.  Please, please, please pray that he will “sleep in heavenly peace” tonight!  Also pray that we will find someone who can shed light on why he is producing so much fluid.  He would enjoy short visits & phone calls.  He needs something to make his day go a little faster. 

Thank you for your prayers & support!

Some Bummer News

Illustration of Pleural Drainage Catheters

Day 6 of my dad’s hospital experience was a little bit better than previous days, to say the least.  Today was the first day he didn’t wear his hat!  That’s because he was able to wash & dry his hair.  He got a clean gown, clean PJ pants, clean socks...  It was nice for him to feel presentable again.  AND he was able to sleep better than he has so far, which is a blessing from God!

Very early in the morning his cardiologist, Dr. Kelley, paid him a visit.  He was not bearing the best news.  Bob has a telemetry monitor attached to his body with leads.  The monitor is very sensitive & very accurate.  Somewhere on the 2nd floor of the hospital, there are nurses whose job is to continually watch computer screens that display the activity of a patient's vitals via the telemetry monitor.  Overnight, Bob had several “flutter” episodes.  His heartbeat was irregular.  Because of those “flutter” incidents & the occurrences of some v-tach episodes, he put an external pacemaker on Bob & scheduled him to have a short surgical procedure on Monday to install a permanent pacemaker.  This news was a bummer, since Bob really wants to get out of the hospital!

Connie spent the morning with him, working away on her computer trying to get everything ready for the opening of Parkview Regional (aka the Emerald City).  I got there at around 2:00 & I brought some contraband with me.  KFC fried chicken breast & mashed potatoes with gravy, baby!  My dad really enjoyed having food that actually tasted good.  Just before Connie left, Dr. Sowden came into the room.  He also had some discouraging news. 

The fluid from Bob’s pleural space is continuing to drain at a significant pace.  At this point in his recovery, he should be draining less than 100 cc of fluid in an 8 hour period.  He is currently draining over 300 cc of fluid in an 8 hour period.  This causes Dr. Sowden concern.  The longer the chest tubes are left in, the greater risk there is of infection in his sternum.  Since there is still excess fluid in Bob’s pleural space, Dr. Sowden plans to install pleural drainage catheters on both sides of Bob’s chest.  I’ve placed a picture of what this will look like so you can get a better understanding of the procedure.

The procedure is performed under general anesthesia. Dr. Sowden will tunnel a chest tube into place under Bob’s skin & into the pleural space.  The fluid accumulated in the pleural space will drain through the chest tube & into a bag taped to Bob’s side.  Every so often, a home health care nurse will remove the fluid from the bag.  This will continue until fluid ceases to be produced & drainage resolves. 

The problem with excess fluid build-up is more concerning to the family than the pacemaker is.  We know why he needs a pacemaker.  We don’t, however, have any idea why Bob continues to create & carry excess fluid in his pericardium, his lungs, his ears & other spaces.  No doctor has been willing or able to get to the root of this fluid problem.  This is a matter that we really would like you to pray about.

Since Bob isn’t going home on Sunday like he would prefer, he will be in room 354 at Parkview Main & would LOVE to have some visitors!  He is much more able to cope with having visitors as the anesthesia dissipates from his body & his mind becomes more clear. 

Halucinations, Security Guards & Restraints - OH MY!

Today is February 24.  19 years ago I was in this building, on the 2nd floor, giving birth to my son Colson Robert Herman!  He was a big boy, 9# 1oz, & he has grown to be a tall, handsome man.  What a great memory for me of my time spent at Parkview.

Last night however is a night my dad never wants to remember again!  He had a terrible night, to say the least.  I’m not totally sure of the timeline of events, but it all began at 10:00 pm.  He took 2 Benadryl & 1 Xanax to help him sleep at 9:30.  Within half an hour it took effect & caused Bob to experience great confusion.  He said he woke up at 10:00 & thought he was in a basement somewhere.  He tore off the bandage that covers where his chest tubes exit his abdomen & began to try to pull out the chest tubes.  His nurse, Nikki, intervened at the right time & got in his face.  She calmly but firmly explained to him that he was hallucinating, that he was a danger to himself & others & that she was not going to allow him to do that.  She is a tiny woman, but she stood right in his face & didn’t back down.  She called Connie & told her to come help get him under control.  She also called security.

In his paranoid state, he was completely out of control.  He was rebuking the devil, praying loudly, throwing things & tried to leave his room.  Standing outside his room was a wall of 4 security guards that stopped him dead in his tracks!  Then he looked over them & saw Connie standing in the background with a stern look on her face.  Nikki, the security men & Connie were able to coax him into his bed, where they promptly restrained him by tying his arms to the side rails of the bed.

He fell asleep for about an hour & woke up panicked again.  Nikki was able to calm him down again & he slept for a couple more hours.  He woke up a 3rd time & was less confused.  It dawned on him that all of the things that had occurred were not a dream as he had supposed, but they were real events!  That horrified him!  He felt so bad for Nikki!  He was very embarrassed (although he’s been telling everyone who visited him today about this story) by his lack of control, but Nikki said following a major surgery where a patient has been under anesthesia for a long time, this type of episode can occur.  Nikki said he was the nicest paranoid patient she’s ever had!

Pray that God will allow my dad to sleep peacefully, restfully & soundly. 

He made every effort to stay awake all day so that he would be really sleepy tonight.  He walked the halls a couple times, at a brisk pace I must say.  He sat up in a chair all day, which is good for his lungs.  He even had Rachel take his chair out of his room to the end of the hallway where there were big windows.  He sat in the clouded light for a while.  He watched some TV, but not much.  He never took a single pain pill!

He had a nicely paced day of visits.  Bob stayed with him for a while, as did Connie.  I was with him in the afternoon & evening.  Ray Harrison faithfully visited him & prayed with him.  He went across the hall to visit with Merle Mullett & his family, which was a nice time of sharing & laughing.  Two ladies who set up Home Health nurses visits stopped by to talk with him about what to expect when he gets discharged.  As it turned out, one of the ladies, Michelle Rhodes, had him in 6th grade at Leo Elementary!  She still has the term paper she did for Science class.  She did it on Polar Bears.  He graded it & wrote “Beary good!”.  The other lady with Michelle is named Rhonda.  Rhonda has cousins Pat & Peter Johnson, who also had him in 6th grade.  He really enjoyed talking with Rhonda & Michelle.

Dr. Sowden came around in the late afternoon to check on my dad.  He asked if he was in pain, & he told him not at all.  He said he hurts sometimes, like when he coughs, but he’s not in pain.  Dr. Sowden told him that he is still draining a lot of fluid from his chest, which is not what he had hoped would be the case at this point.  Tentative plans are to release him on Sunday.  If he is still draining a lot of fluid, Dr. Sowden will install semi-permanent intravascular catheters that will exit his body on his side.  Home Health nurses will come several times a week to drain the accumulated fluid.  Hopefully, the draining will stop by Sunday so that Bob doesn’t have to worry about it any more.

Jack Clark came in & prayed with Bob.  Bob has a tremendous respect & love for Jack.  Then my dad was invaded by his sisters, Sandi & Kim.  They had stories to tell about his doggies & what they are up to while he is away.  Next Kristie & her current boyfriend Jeff came in.  A couple minutes later, Bob came back with Josiah & Colson.  Next Jason Eckes & Kirsten Meadows squeezed in the room.  Rachel came next, but there was no room in the inn.  We took that as our cue to leave.  So Bob, Rachel, Colson, Josiah & I said goodbye & left to go celebrate Colson’s 19th birthday.

Saturday Bob would really love to have brief visits from friends.  He’s ready to interact with people again & could use your encouragement.  Students from LPCS, he has really appreciated the cards you made for him.  They decorate his hospital room!  Please keep praying for Mr. A.  He wants to be back at school with all of you as soon as possible.

Food for thought: 
We have had several wonderful people asking us about preparing meals for Bob after he gets home.  He doesn’t have any dietary restrictions.  If you provide a meal for Bob, we would appreciate it if you could deliver it in small containers that can be used in the refrigerator, freezer & microwave & then can be thrown away.  Please include instructions of how to reheat the meal.  During the first 2 weeks he is at home following his hospitalization, he will have a caretaker with him 24 hours a day.  He will need 2 meals a day, one for lunch & one for dinner.  Please include enough food for both Bob & the person who is keeping an eye on him each day during his recuperation. 

Bob’s sister, Kim Culbertson, will be creating a calendar to organize meal schedules for the weeks of February 27th - March 12th.  If you wish to prepare a meal, please either call Kim at 260-925-3213 or email her at luvruby007@gmail.com.

Full Circle

Today seems to be the turn-around day.  This morning was terrible for Bob.  He was very irritable, frustrated & somewhat angry.  To say he wasn’t himself is a gross understatement!  We’ve never seen him like he was.  Nothing could soothe him.  If asked a question, he acted irritated because you asked him anything.  If he seemed to be wanting something & you asked what you could get for him, he would bark his answer at you.  He acted so out of character, it was surreal. 

In spite of his poor disposition, he did walk the entire STICU & did it at a steady, quick pace.  He has a good appetite & ate all of his meals.  His heart rhythm became more regular, which was encouraging. 

At 2:30, Connie cornered his nurse, Peggy.  She’s an amazing nurse!  She spoke with Dr. Sowden about the problems we were concerned about & he decided that Bob was experiencing anxiety brought on by a lack of sleep.  He prescribed Xanax, which reduces nervous tension & anxiety.  It can also be used as a sleep aid.  When he took the Xanax @ 2:45, Connie, Bob & I left to allow him to sleep. 

When I went back to his room around 4:45, he was sitting in a wheelchair & his nurses were packing him up!  He was moving on up!  He is now in a regular room, #354 on 3 West.    His attitude was completely different!  He was relaxed, talkative, able to speak in sentences & give complete answers.  I beat him up to his room & got things arranged for when he got here.  The only problem with the room is there is only one chair!  We told his nurse that he will need at least 4 more chairs.  They are looking around for unclaimed chairs for us!  Shortly after settling in in his new room, he had a very pleasant visit with Ray & Arlene Harrison.  Ray read some very appropriate scripture & prayed with us before leaving. 

As I am writing this he’s sitting on the edge of his bed, watching TV & doing his breathing exercises.  He’s doing wonderfully!  Connie & Kristie are coming up in a little bit & he told them he wants a big slice of chocolate cake!

As far as visitors go, we don’t want to bombard him with people coming in & out.  He isn’t physically or emotionally strong enough for a lot of stimulation.  So for Friday, lets just have family visit.  Sisters, please come!  Grandkids, he wants to see you!  As always, pastors are always welcome to visit.  Hopefully he will do well with guests on Friday & we can expand the scope of visitation.  We are being so protective of him because we are concerned for his health.  We want to protect him from fatigue & exhaustion.  Thank you for respecting our visitation “rules”.

Please pray for him to heal physically, emotionally & mentally.

Gangsta in STICU

Bob tries out his gangsta look.  Not very intimidating!

Day 3 of the Great Recovery has been challenging.  Bob has done well with his appetite and although he’s restricted to a full liquid diet, he’s cleaning off his tray.  Yesterday his appetite was nonexistent, so this is a good sign.

He has been bothered often throughout the day by the respiratory therapy team.  For some reason they insist on keeping him breathing!  He is doing very well with his breathing exercises & the crackles in his lungs from yesterday are gone.  Breathing deeply when you have just had your chest sawed open can be pretty painful.  But he’s a tough guy & he’s doing his best.

This morning he took a short walk in the STICU.  It wore him out quite a bit.  This afternoon he sat in a chair for 4 hours, which is good for his lungs.  Tonight he got in a chair for dinner & he’s been sitting up for 2 hours so far.  He really wants to get a good night’s sleep tonight, so he wants to get really tired.  In the above photo, he’s sitting in his chair.  You will notice that he still has an open port in his jugular vein.  They won’t remove that until they are certain that his heart is responding appropriately.  He’s wearing a sock hat because his hair is messy & he’s wearing his sunglasses to ease the pain in his bad eye.  He still has 3 chest tubes draining, so that kind of gets tangled sometimes, but he’s really moving so little that he can’t really make much of a mess of it all.

We thought that he would be out of the STICU by now & be upstairs in a non-restricted environment, but because of some quirks with his heart rhythm, he’s been kept here for now.  His heart is responding beautifully to the new valve, but there are just a couple hick-ups that the doctor says will work themselves out eventually.

This evening Dave & Lauri Carnahan dropped off some cards that kids in Power Plus (@ LPCS) made for him.  He looked through them & we thought it was funny how many of them had ties on them!  Mr. Anderson is known for his flashy, unique ties!  He really appreciated those cards.  If you want to send him a card, too, send it to Parkview Hospital, 2200 Randallia Drive, Fort Wayne, IN 46805 Attention:  Robert L. Anderson, patient.  We hope he will be released by Sunday, so if you’re going to send a card to the hospital, please do it soon. 

Until he is released from the STICU, he is limited to immediate family visits only.  He’s had several clergy visits, which he welcomes & enjoys.  Clergy - Keep Coming!!!  But other than that, his visitors are limited to Connie, Kristie, me & Bob.  Since the surgery, his personality has been quite subdued by the pain & recovery process.  He really doesn’t want to talk much or answer questions.  Because of the vent tubes in his throat, his voice is very soft & hoarse.  Thank you for your thoughtfulness in respecting the limitations necessary for his health.  Soon enough he will be upstairs in a regular room & able to received short visits from friends & family. 

Baby Steps in Recovery

Monday night after I had posted my update, God again graciously blessed Bob by freeing him from the ventilator.  It all began when Kayleen Schlegel (Rachel’s girlfriend) stopped by during her break.  She works as a tech in the ER.  She talked a minute or two to him & got a little smile out of him.  His nurse, Millissa, told him that he had to be able to lift his head off of the pillow & control his head before they could begin the

At around 9:45 his nurse, Millissa, began the “trial” that is required in order to remove the vent.  The respiratory therapist turned the vent way down, so that it wasn’t really doing anything to help his breathing.  He was receiving oxygen, but that’s it.  He did fantastic during the trial, so at 10:45, Millissa called Dr. Sowden to get permission to remove the endotracheal tube.  Sowden gave the OK & within minutes, he had the tube removed.  As soon as he was free, the respiratory therapist had him do some exercises to help clear out his lungs.  He had to cough, which made his chest really hurt.  Clearing his throat hurt.  Blowing to have his lung capacity measured was hard, too.  But he made it!  He was the only heart surgery patient to get off of the vent on the same day as surgery!

Tuesday morning he was visited by Dr. Sowden, who is very please by his progress.   He had them pull the tube out of his femoral artery, which is another sign of progress.  After removing that tube he had to lie still for 6 hours.  He is still groggy because of his pain meds (Dilauded & Vicodin), so he doesn’t really talk a lot.  Yes, that’s a really weird experience - Bob, speechless!  He ate some Jell-O & has been sipping water & diet pop all day. 

In the afternoon his nurse Peggy had the job of detangling a lot of his tubing because they discontinued several of his medications.  It took her at least 15 minutes!  I asked her if she is the one who gets stuck detangling Christmas lights.  She laughed & said yes!  Bob’s day was pretty much sleeping with short periods of awakening with a little conversation.  If we ask him what he needs, he doesn’t know.  If I ask if he wants to take a drink, he doesn’t know.  “I don’t know” seems to be the answer he goes with most of the time.

There was shift change at 3:00 & he got his night nurse, Kim.  She’s a very competent nurse who watches her patients very, very carefully.  All of his nurses have been fabulous!  At 6:00, when his femoral artery had had enough time to close, Kim came in & started moving stuff around in the room.  She put a blanket over the chair, moved IV poles, shifted tubes here & there & told him it was time to sit up.  He told her he’s been getting himself ready for this all day.  Kim brought in 3 orderlies to help move him.  It was painful for him to sit up for the first time.  He became very dizzy & severely nauseated.  A little Zofran helped calm his stomach, but he was still quite dizzy.  He started coughing, which really hurt.  But after he settled down, he was able to sit in the chair for 30 minutes!  While he sat in the chair, Don Schlatter dropped by.  Don & his devoted wife Jewel are long time missionaries in Thailand who are retired now & live in the Leo-Grabill area.  They attend Grabill Missionary Church, where Bob also attends.  Bob was glad to see Don.  Don prayed with us, a gift that means the world to my dad.  He was so grateful for Don’s ministry to him.  Shortly after Don left, Bob began feeling weak & dizzy & decided he needed to get back into bed.  That isn’t an easy task either, so the orderlies came in again & it took over 5 minutes to get him back in bed. 

I spoke with Kim, his nurse, to get her assessment of how he’s doing.  She said that her only concern is that he has pockets in the base of both lungs where he’s not breathing deeply enough to get oxygen to those areas.  She wants to work with him on taking slow, deep breaths to remedy the situation.  He does have a slight fever (101.6), but his stats look great.  Tonight she plans on getting him in the chair a few more times, exercising his lungs & keeping a delicate balance of pain control.  She wants him to have minimal pain without drugging him so deeply that he can’t respond or cooperate with her directions. 

“Praise the LORD.  Praise the name of the LORD; praise him, you servants of the LORD, you who minister in the house of the LORD, in the courts of the house of our God.  Praise the LORD, for the LORD is good; sing praise to his name, for that is pleasant.  For the LORD has chosen Jacob to be his own, Israel to be his treasured possession.  I know that the LORD is great, that our Lord is greater than all gods.  The LORD does whatever pleases him, in the heavens and on the earth, in the seas and all their depths.  He makes clouds rise from the ends of the earth; he sends lightning with the rain and brings out the wind from his storehouses.  Your name, LORD, endures forever, your renown, LORD, through all generations.  For the LORD will vindicate his people and have compassion on his servants.”                     Psalms 135:1-7, 13,14

God is Gracious Again

Bob's Tower of IV Medicines

It’s been a long day already, & it’s not even evening yet!  Kristie picked my dad up at 5:00 a.m. To take him to the hospital for his surgery.  It doesn’t sound like he slept all that well.  How could you?  As soon as he got here they started prepping him for the surgery.  Connie arrived & said he got kinda loopy from the meds they give him to relax him.  I was almost at the hospital at 6:55 when my sisters called & told me they already took him back.  Drat!  I wanted to pray with him before he went to the OR. 

Connie, the Wizard of the Emerald City, was able to interpret the information on the surgery screen, so we knew when they started anesthesia, when they had everything prepped, when the surgeon started cutting... 

We got the call to go into a consultation room at around 12:30.  Dr. Sowden walked into the room with both thumbs up & a smile on his face!  The surgery went without a hitch.  He looked at the aneurysm & noticed that it was smaller than first stated.  He measured it at 4.5 MM.  Typically he wouldn’t do anything to an aneurysm that is smaller than 6 mm.  He said he wasn’t sure he would even call it an aneurysm.  He called it a post stenotic dilatation, which is caused by the bad valve.  Theoretically, once you fix the leaky valve, the dilatation shrinks & become a non-issue.  Dr. Sowden also cut two large holes in the pericardium, to drain the fluid amassed around his heart.  He hopes these two windows will remain open so that any fluid that forms between the pericardium & heart wall will be able to drain effectively.

What great news!  He expects him to make a swift, full recovery!  Praise God for His healing power!  The rest of today is going to be critical.  He is in the CCCU for the first 24 hours post-op.  We went back to see him.  The first thing we had to do was fix his hair!  As we were warned, his face was puffy & his skin was an odd color.  He was covered completely except for his face.  He had a endotracheal tube from the vent machine that was helping him breathe.  It was taped into his mouth.  He was surrounded by tube after tube after tube!  His IV pole was more like an IV tower!  So much stuff attached to him from all sides.  As we talked with his nurse, he heard our voices, opened his eyes & tried to talk.  His blood pressure shot up, so we tried to soothe him & calm him down by holding his hand, stroking his arm, talking to him & reminding him that he’s OK.  We told him he had to go back to sleep so he could rest.  I said he needed to sleep so he could dream of his one true love, my mom.  Slowly he settled down & went back to sleep. 

His nurse told us that he will be weaned off of the vent this evening with the goal of having him breathing on his own again before night.  He has an external pace maker right now, just as a precaution.  The doctor will have that removed when he is confident that his heart has reached a stable rhythm.  He has 3 chest tubes to drain blood & fluid from his chest cavity. 

Please continue to pray for Bob as he recovers from surgery.  We know he will be in significant pain for a while.  Pray that he will be patient with himself & the healing process.  You know how he hates to be out of the action!  I will provide periodic updates about his recovery.  To ensure that you are notified when I make a new post, please go to the bottom of this page & click on “SubscribeTo:”

Thank you for your prayers on behalf of my dad & his family.  We are so grateful that God has given us at least a little more time with our father!